tiger

I know that truth is supposed to be stranger than fiction but honestly who would make this up?

If Ms Htay sticks to her offer of only breastfeeding until the cubs grow teeth, she won't be at it long. Tiger cubs grow teeth within weeks of being born, says Taina Strike, a vet at the Zoological Society of London (ZSL). "I still feel sorry for the woman though. Their sharp claws will be pummelling her."

As to why Ms Htay has offered her services, when bottled milk could do just as well? "I don't even want to go there," says Strike.

Imagine the psychological trauma this is going to cause to both Tiger and Toddler. The tiger will grow up believing it is okay to try and take milk from humans, which is probably going to prove a trifle hard to deal with for any future female keepers. My overactive imagination is already picturing the headlines should the unfortunate creature ever escape; "Titty Kitty on the Rampage" or "Faster Titty Cat, Kill Kill" (Russ Meyer gags must be made at every opportunity)....

Ferocious Feline Savages Sister Theresa's Ti...er...Dignity

Nuns on the Run from Confused Cat

A small superfluity of sisters from St Agnes' Home for Enervated Ecclesiasticals( Enfield) were enjoying a day out at London Zoo when disaster struck. "Titty" the Tiger, so named as she was breastfed as a cub, leapt from her enclosure and lunged at the group, pinning elderly nun Sister Theresa to the floor and ripping off her habit.

"I thought I'd had it," Sister Theresa said later, clearly traumatised by the ordeal, "I was praying that the tiger would finish me off quick and not start toying with me. Goes to show how wrong you can be."

Far from going for the kill the tiger, apparently thirsty, began trying to suckle from the octegenarian.

"Its' tongue was ever so rough," continued Sister T. "I haven't felt anything like it since my youth, but he's gone now..."

Clearly unsatisisfied after some five minutes Titty jumped back into her pen of her own accord, much to the releif of her keeper.

"At first I thought that Titty'd mistaken her for a penguin or a zebra or somthing, what with the black 'n' white get-up 'n' all," said keeper Joe Harris, "but then I saw what she was trying to do. All I can say is thank God it wasn't Titty's brother. He was suckled for much longer than Titty and has developed a real fixation. He could've gotten really confused, I dread to think what could've happened."

Several such attacks on female keepers in the past have resulted in Titty having an all-male keeping staff. Despite these obvious warnings the big cat enclosure carries no warning notice for women and is set into the ground causing people to lean over the edge, giving the lions and tigers an exagerated view of their chests.

When asked to quote on the event RSPCA spokesman, Tim Holt, gave us he following statement:

"London Zoo have known about this problem for some time and have singularly failed to take action. Similar such incidents will continue to happen whilst ZSL refuse to address the core of this issue: namely Jovani the leopard's 'Show us yer tits!' tee shirt. Until this is taken from the animal female Zoo attendees will be at risk."

Truth stranger than fiction, he says, instantly proving himself wrong.