Mister E Bunny

The concept of the Easter Bunny is just plain wrong. An extract from a recent interview:

Mr Bunny may I congratulate you on another successful Easter. How long is it now that you've been hiding chocolate eggs for children to find?

Eggs, yeah. Chocolate, right. You're...er... still eating those, right?

Oh yes, and most delicious they are too.

Oh yeah, go-on enjoy it. Let it melt on your tongue.

Er, Mr Bunny are you okay? Your tail is twitching in a most alarming manner.

Tail? Oh, yeah right "tail". (laughs) You still haven't got it have you? Oh yes, smear it up your face. Oh God, look it's sticking to your teeth!

Of course it could just be my twisted imagination that reacts badly to the idea of a rabbit hiding "chocolate" eggs with treats in for children but it does sound a bit suspicious. Doesn't it?

A note to cyclists

Clearly a fetish

I'm not talking here to the ride it to work and back kind of cyclists, but to the multi-coloured lycra clad type. What you do is not a sport. It closely resembles a sport but consider: you need specialised equipment and lubricants to participate, the classic version has obscure french terminology, there are various shapes of foam rubber involved which you - excuse me - sit on! It is commonly done in large groups where participants seem to spend a lot of time looking at the bottom of the person in front of them.

Any activity that requires you to dress up like a perverted clown to massage your prostate with a custom formed piece of latex is not a sport it is a fetish. Particularly if you if you get up early in the morning to do it and shout to each other outside my bedroom window before I am awake.

Mountain bikers can stop feeling smug at this point, you do all this in the mud and rain and have clothing brands with names like "Muddy Fox".

Whilst I'm at it I'm sure there are several other sports that are little more than an excuse to engage in otherwise suspect physical encounters and hang around in changing rooms:

• Wrestling - Putting on a leotard to grapple each other to the floor and hold each other down. This is quite obvioulsy a fetish and greco-roman wrestlers need to be reminded that these wrestlers originally used to be naked and oiled.
• Judo - Really this is a sub-set of wrestling that shows off the Japanese capacity for taking things a bit too far. This is wrestling that you need to put on pajamas to take part in and then grapple each-other to the ground in an attempt to hold one-another down with your faces in each-other's armpits. Clearly a fetish.


Oooh chase me, chase me!

• Rugby - Using a funny shaped ball as an excuse to chase each-other around and wrestle each-other to the ground, in the mud! Until recently this was done in practical hard-wearing clothing. Now it seems to be done in skin-tight Lycra.
• Climbing - Uncomfortable harness that is particularly tight around the groin area, rope, silly little rubber shoes and again skin-tight bloody Lycra.
• Speed skating - This is a really weird one, a fetish where people with huge thighs to dress up in what amounts to a skin-tight Lycra gimp suit to chase each other around on ice. Bizarre.


Oh I'm comin' to getcha'

I'm sure there are more, I'll add them as I think of them.

Linkdump digest

With the rather pretentious high-minded ideal below I feel in need of some light relief, so here are some of my favourite things I've posted on the linkdump recently.

This is an advert for a New Zealand porn chanel stuffed with innuendo. It contains nothing you can't put on TV, it's all in your filthy mind! [posted 30 August]

A NASA satellite picture of the recent bushfires in Greece. [posted 30 August]

Staying awake by switching brain hemispheres. Remarkeable, but still stupid. [Posted 13 September]

A robotic presence at work. Genius, flawed genius but genius nonetheless. [Posted 10 September]

Ah, that's better.

inspiration/filthy brain

I have thankfully returned from my sojourn to the antipodes with a far clearer mind, a desire to write and some actual material! Unfortunately I have also returned without my girlfriend. this has caused my libido to corrupt my unconscious mind and I am experiencing some of the filthiest dreams I have ever had. Which is in a way great, but in another, far more accurate way, bloody awful. However it is enticing me to get the amount of sleep that doctors say you should actually have.

With this in mind I decided to gain extra readers by describing in thigh-squelching detail my adventures with the hot brazillian twin sisters and their whipped cream aerosol that my disgusting brain treated me to last night. You will be relieved to hear that I thought better of this the instant I realised that it was 9:30 and I hadn't left the house yet (yes I am still gainfully employed). Or maybe you won't. Perhaps you the kind of lonely pervert who spends hours typing things like "masturbating teen lesbians" into google. Perhaps I shouldn't have exposed the depth of my own depravity on such a public medium. Or perhaps its all just a hollow sham, a way of dropping in frequently searched for strings into open text as a way of fooling the bored and stupid into a page view. I hope it works!

Just to close off if anyone has a cure for ragingly filthy dreams that doesn't involve self-abuse, spending thousands on ladies of questionable virtue or otherwise being unfaithful, answers on a postcard. I'd just got rid of the calouses dammit.